TRUMP ORDERS MOON INTO POLAR ORBIT

 

President  Trump has issued an executive order that will require the moon to be in a polar orbit by Labor Day of this year. The moon would normally be at full on September the second. However, to make the most spectacular display the full moon has been rescheduled to the night of Monday, September 7, 2020. The full moon rising in the north following the holiday fireworks is expected to be extraordinary.

President Trump said that under Article II of the Constitution,  he has the unconditional authority to change the moon's orbit by executive order. Many scientists say that this is absurd,  but this has been disregard by most sources as a minority view. 

The people of Alaska expressed great excitement of the prospect of watching a moon rise over the North Pole. Many people living at the southern tip of South America, in Chile and especially in the  Argentina area of Terra del Fuego, were amazed to realize that they will now have moon light almost 365 days of the year. One authority said that a full moon reflecting off the Antarctic snow and ice would  light up the region like the tropics.

The PBS News hour's Judy Woodruff interviewed Kellyanne Conway for more than twenty minutes. She first asked Conway to "Remind us which is the moon and which is the orbit." In a follow-up she raised serious concerns about how this would affect international trade in the Pacific rim countries. 

 Meanwhile, Mike Pence waxed enthusiastic on Fox News. He said that the polar orbit was long overdue and that this was just one of the remarkable achievements of the new Space Force.

Mitch McConnell, over on the hill, said that the Senate was prepared to vote for the 783 Billion dollar appropriation bill that is necessary to achieve this great American Triumph.

Meanwhile, the Democratic Party's  organizations and many Democratic office holders and candidates  have sent out emails pleading for donations of $25 dollars or more to stop Trump's plan to change the moon's orbit.

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REPUBLICANS SUFFER NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

Republican National Committee Chairman, Reince Priebus has issued an emergency call for all Republican psychiatrists to come to Washington to aid many Republicans members of the House and Senate, who have suffered  nervous breakdowns after realizing that minority control of the U S Senate might be a thing of the past.  Mitch McConnell has been stricken with such a bad case of stuttering after hearing that Harry Reid had plans to return to the requirement that filibusters would actually require senators to take to the floor and talk around the clock as seen in the movie  “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington,” that he has been unable to utter an understandable sentence in more than twelve hours.

House majority leader  John Boehner fearing that the whole weight of obstructing the government would be on his shoulders was taken with such a crying jag that he was unable even to walk. An aide said that Mr. Boehner had finally cried himself to sleep but that he was fearful of what might happen if he awakens and realizes that Harry Reid is serious about a move permitting  a Senate  majority to pass legislation without allowing the minority to rewrite everything to their satisfaction.

Chairman Priebus was so desperate that he has called Newt Gingrich for assistance. He believes that Newt who once held vast power before finding himself shut out of Washington, will be able to administer some serious grief counseling to distraught Republicans.

Dr. Sigmund Sigmund, the little known descendant of the great Viennese shrink said that the Republicans were in extremely serious perils, having suffered two dire set backs in less than a month. They still have not recovered from the shatteringly unexpected lost of the Presidential contest at the beginning of November and now they have to realize that they are faced with the trauma of not being in absolute control of the government.

 Dr. SS suggested that the Republicans might be faced with overcoming the infantile omnipotency complex described by his illustrious ancestor. He explained that Freud had described the world of the new born as a place that catered to its  every need. When the baby is hungry or soiled, he simply has to cry and someone rushes to attend to his needs. When the infant finally begins to realize that he is only one of many persons with a multitude of needs, it can be a difficult period for the little tyke.

Sources said that Paul Ryan has run into the gym and has been exercising nonstop for most of the day. Several aides have tried to talk him into taking a rest, but he insists that he must train to run a three minute mile. Dr. SS said that it was one of the worst cases of denial that he had ever seen.

Chairman Priebus has cancelled all press appearances for the next couple of days for all  elected Republicans.  When asked if he would call on the services of Carl Rove,  Priebus said that Carl Rove had best attend to Carl Rove.

© Roger G McCorkle

KOCH BROTHERS ANNOUNCE MAJOR CHARITABLE GIFT

In an expression of their extreme disappointment at the outcome of the 2012 election, the Koch brothers vowed to do every thing possible to avoid a repeat of another Obama-style presidency. Jim Dandy, a Koch spokesman, said that plans are being laid for the creation of a research center that will undertake to clone angry old white men. The Kochs plan to seed the center with an initial $100 million grant. He added that even if it cost several hundred million more that it would be more effective that all the money that was wasted with  “Turd Blossom” Rove.

Echoing Peter Morrison, the Hardin County Texas Republican treasurer, who said that the people who voted for Obama are maggots, Mr. Dandy said that the bothers had realized that it would never be possible to educate such irredeemably shiftless moochers to the benefits of laissez faire, the devil take the hindmost, free enterprise, capitalism. If you can’t sell ‘em, or disenfranchise ‘em, the only choice is to out vote ‘em.”

The distributed Koch press release, said that the goal was not only to create millions of angry old white men to vote, but to create as many clones as possible of the right kinds of politicians.  “Imagine the nation with fifty or one hundred thousand John Boehners and Mitch McConnells. This has the potential to turn the nation back to the path of small government, no rules, and no taxes for anyone making more than a million dollars a year.”

Spokesman Jim Dandy conceded that the project probably wouldn’t be complete in time for the 2016 election. He said that it was a long term goal that would probably take at least 8-10 years to be fully underway, but that he thought that there might be enough angry old white men clones by 2020 to move several of the most important swing states into the solid red column. He hinted that many of the first clones would be located in Florida, where they could easily pass unnoticed in the general population.
©Roger G McCorkle

cross post from open salon